Build a Man a Fire
I don’t really buy into the idea that where you are is where you’ll stay (if that’s the case I’m in serious trouble!) I believe you can change your lot, at least in this country. I also believe you make your own bed – if you like it or not. I don’t believe in consoling people financially and telling them “it’ll be okay….everything will be fine” when they are wallowing in their own mess and everything really won’t be okay. I think sometimes a tough approach is what’s needed.
Consoling people often will only prolong the discomfort but blunt honesty, no matter how uncomfortable, is more likely to get results. With that said I do feel compassion has a place in personal finance but only to the extent that one is not enabling or encouraging non-productive behaviors. I think the most productive approach is to help a person by giving them the tools they need to change themselves not fix it for them. If a person does not learn from his mistakes (or the mistakes of others) he will likely repeat the same mistakes until he does learn, again only prolonging the pain.
So here is what I do when faced with a question about someones misbehavior….I do my best to answer honestly, I don’t pull the punches, I answer the questions I’ve been presented and let the chips fall where they may. I realized sometime ago the only person that could fix me is me. So I don’t try to fix others (that’s their own miserable job) instead I work on my own issues and encourage others to do what they need to do to help themselves.
Spend your energy truly helping others to help themselves and real progress can be made, handing a drink to a drunk, sugar coating your advice, telling them things will work themselves out and you’re, many times, only prolonging the pain of lessons they must learn for themselves.
Remember….“Build a man a fire, and he’s warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.” -author unknown
Has a tough honest approach in your past had a positive outcome? Did it change the way you or someone you know was misbehaving?
...."so when I got home we had a talk and decided this money situation had to change. I didn’t know how I was going to change it, we were barely making enough money to cover the monthly payments so how the H-E-double-hockey-sticks was I going to fix it?"
My husband Steve has a story he refers back to from time to time. When he was a teen, his divorced mother would regularly give him money, bail him out in emergencies and would occasionally loan him larger sums that he would never re-pay. When she married Rolly, this all came to a stop. Steve was in his early twenties at that time and had no choice but to somehow support himself. When I met Steve, he was almost 25, had a great job and no debt. Although he says it hurt to be financially booted out of the nest, he is very grateful to the man that had the guts to do it. That was over 30 years ago and today, our adult children are reaping the benefits of that single event from so long ago.
1Judy,
2What do your adult childeren think? Are they still to young to “get it” or old enough to appriciate?
Our grown children were raised with straight talk about finances. \"Show me your budget\" was a common phrase. Each child responded differently (our 3 and my husband\’s eldest). But they all saw the same thing in us, consistancy, straight talk and tough love. Kids are individuals though. Some will believe you and take you at your word. Some will rebel and challenge your wisdom. Some will think it was easy for us but its just too hard for them. Some will procrastinate and live a little before taking things seriously. My hope is they will get serious before it affects the grandkids!
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