Financial Freak Show

At what point do you feel mental pain as a result of a purchase (or in the case of married folk physical pain?) How much money can you blow before you feel you need permission so your other half won’t “bring the pain?” If you’re single at what dollar amount do you feel guilty for buying something?

 Since my wife and I are trying to reach some specific financial goals we are kind of strict about any money that we blow. The dollar amount that would trigger my wives fury while we were trying to eliminate our personal debts (I know this may sound insanely low to many of you) was around $25. Do remember though that my wife is a saver by nature and I’m the one that liked to spend. Also remember that I’m talking about spending money that wasn’t in our spending plan – I’m not talking about things like food, gas, needed things around the house, car maintenance etc. – I’m talking about things we hadn’t planned for like a cool $52 sweatshirt, or a $175 replacement for the broken cell phone – you know that sort of stuff.

Now that our debts have been cleared (with help from some learned behaviors like this one) our spending threshold has now been adjusted accordingly. We’re now closer to the $80-$100 range for “free” spending. Now that we’ve worked so hard to always discuss and share our finances we usually talk about most things over $50 anyway (note that we talk about it…not fight about it). Hopefully one day with enough hard work and discipline when I surprise my wife with the new Cadillac she wants and the only discussion we’ll have will be where we’re taking it for dinner that night and who gets to drive – now there’s the spending threshold I’m shooting for!

Agreed upon spending limits is where a couple’s shared finances can really help a couple succeed over the long term due to the unavoidable accountability. How’s the saying go? “At some point he’ll have to come home!”

What dollar amount do you feel you should have agreement with your spouse before buying something as to avoid your home turning into a bad Jerry Springer episode?  If you’re single at what dollar amount do you feel you’ve let yourself down buy spending too much?

Here’s a guest post from my favorite military wife / mom. In this post she talks about her change in mindset around the extra deployment money that’ll be coming in soon from her husband heading off to do what needs to be done for those that can’t do it for themselves. For those of you not familiar with the military pay; “deployment money” is the extra pay they receive when they’re deployed…hence the name “deployment money” and to sweeten the deal many times this money comes to them tax free. Apparently they can earn a noticeable pay increase during the time they are taking on the bad guys – and in my opinion they deserve every damn penny they get!

Enjoy the following guest post – and when you get to the part about “a very wise man” and “single-handedly did something Superman and an army of super heroes couldn’t have done” remember that me she’s talking about- oh yeah!

‘Deployment money” a military wife’s favorite words. Visions of Coach Bags and spa trips dance through her head while trying to fight back the tears as her husband boards the plane. We all do it, yet most of us won’t admit it. This time though I’m taking this deployment to a whole new level. I’m on a mission to go down in the military spouse hall of fame as the one who passed the Coach bags in the Exchange and with a disdainful smirk I head to the children’s section for the half priced shoes. Ever notice they put those gorgeous bags right in the front walkway of the store? I am on the road to paying off all of our debt. All of it, all $125,000 in credit cards, car loans, and the boat. Our awesome boat – yup, the one we can’t afford to put gas in.

Thank you to a very wise man who, in a 20 minute conversation, single-handedly did something Superman and an army of super heroes couldn’t have done. Got me (of my own free will no less) to pull every credit card out of my wallet, wrap them pretty in a rubber band and throw them in a drawer I affectionately call the “junk drawer.” Fitting name huh? I then proceeded to break the news to my husband. We sat down and had what was probably the most open and honest discussion about our finances in almost nine years of marriage. We mapped out a plan TOGETHER, figured out where we could cut back, then celebrated… by eating our first dinner at home in a long time! (a personal apology to all Olive Garden shareholders).

Using my husband’s first “deployment money” that came in from a recent short trip, I paid off the lowest balance debt. Seeing that first zero was almost as exciting as a new pair of shoes. The second zero balance I have achieved almost made me… well you get it.

It’s a game now. I created a sweet little excel spreadsheet staying true to my “excel goddess” nickname that auto-calculates our totals, gives me the percentage paid down on each debt and the total percentage of debt paid off to date. Are you ready for this? 10.24% in 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS!! That’s about $12,000 of worry, stress and interest we’ll never have to pay on again!! He leaves again in a few weeks for 6 months this time. And I will sit in my office every day and secretly curse all of the women telling stories of the money they spent the past weekends on shoes, clothes and manicures, and I think of all the things our family can do with our money when he comes home. Things like a family vacation paid for with actual money. All out of our bank account instead of on credit cards. Amazing.

I have a feeling the next 6 months is going to change the rest of their lives. So do you think she can pull it off? Do you think somebody’s going to get hurt if they stand in her way?

Please take a second and add an encouraging comment.

In many cases monthly spending just sort of happens. Then at the end of the month you look up and say something like “What the ****! Where did it all our money go” or if things worked out more in your favor it may sound something like “Woohoo! I get paid tomorrow and there’s still money in my account…who’s yo’ daddy now!” Either way this is often a byproduct of us just living our busy lives. So here’s a few steps I recommend to insure you’re yelling “Woohoo” with somebody more often than you’re yelling “What the ****!” at sombody.

Don’t worry this one’s pretty easy I promise.

1. Figure out what you’ve got coming in each month and where the heck it’s all going.
2. Next figure out what you can cut back on (ex. heat, clothing for the kids, food, you know the unnecessary stuff) and what you’re not able to cut back on (ex. booze, smokes, online gambling – you know the important stuff in life) – FYI, that was a joke
3. Begin making some tough decisions and adjust your budget accordingly. Apply the extra money toward your goals– make sure everybody involved comes to agreement on this stuff
4. Come up with a cool way to track you progress. A nifty spread sheet is what I used (but I’m sorta nerdy) Another idea may be to put a big list on the fridge where you can see it everyday and cross things off as you go (ask any kindergarten teacher, this may sound lame but it works!) Use what works best for you and helps keep you on track towards your bigger goals. 

The important thing here is to work on refining your money habits to accomplish the things that really matter to you. Personal finance in many cases is more of a psychological game than a numbers game so play to win. Many of us make enough to accomplish our goals but don’t always behave in ways that allow us to.

 If I’ve got correct goals, and if I keep pursuing them the best way I know how, everything falls into line.  -Dan Dierdorf

I don’t really buy into the idea that where you are is where you’ll stay (if that’s the case I’m in serious trouble!) I believe you can change your lot, at least in this country. I also believe you make your own bed – if you like it or not. I don’t believe in consoling people financially and telling them “it’ll be okay….everything will be fine” when they are wallowing in their own mess and everything really won’t be okay. I think sometimes a tough approach is what’s needed.

Consoling people often will only prolong the discomfort but blunt honesty, no matter how uncomfortable, is more likely to get results. With that said I do feel compassion has a place in personal finance but only to the extent that one is not enabling or encouraging non-productive behaviors. I think the most productive approach is to help a person by giving them the tools they need to change themselves not fix it for them. If a person does not learn from his mistakes (or the mistakes of others) he will likely repeat the same mistakes until he does learn, again only prolonging the pain.

So here is what I do when faced with a question about someones misbehavior….I do my best to answer honestly, I don’t pull the punches, I answer the questions I’ve been presented and let the chips fall where they may. I realized sometime ago the only person that could fix me is me. So I don’t try to fix others (that’s their own miserable job) instead I work on my own issues and encourage others to do what they need to do to help themselves. 

Spend your energy truly helping others to help themselves and real progress can be made, handing a drink to a drunk, sugar coating your advice, telling them things will work themselves out and you’re, many times, only prolonging the pain of lessons they must learn for themselves.

Remember….“Build a man a fire, and he’s warm for a day. Light a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”  -author unknown

Has a tough honest approach in your past had a positive outcome? Did it change the way you or someone you know was misbehaving?

To clean up our financial mess the first big step I took was to come together with my wife and get on the same page regarding our money (now doesn’t that sound like a fun discussion?)  From my experience this is often one of the hardest steps to actually accomplish for most couples. In many cases one person takes on the responsibility of the household finances for one reason or another and the other person is sort of along for the ride. Maybe one person likes to be in control, maybe one person doesn’t want the responsibility or the stress, maybe one thinks they’re smarter, or maybe one’s a nerd and gets off on this stuff, or maybe it was never even talked about previously and this is just the way chips hit the table. Either way unless you’re on the same page with your spouse it’s likely your household finances will not be in good order over the long term. Remember the preacher-man said “and now you are one” remember that line? Note what the preacher-man didn’t say…. “and now you are one except for the money part only one of you will need to pay the bills and carry the stress of the finances until death do you part”  (In other words you take care of it until one of you kills the other!)

Merge your money or separate the accounts – His money & Her money. This takes place, when for one reason or another, when a couple operates their finances separately from each other. In many of the cases where I’ve seen this I’ve noticed it is usually due to one of the people not wanting to bare themselves financially to the other person. They keep their money almost a secret from the other person. According to a USA Today article the FPA’s survey of financial planners nearly 55% of couples hide financial assets from one another. Hmm, I wonder what other secrets they might be keeping. (more…)